It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
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You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I can’t be the only one 😂
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?