I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.