After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.