some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.