Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
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I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.