*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick