Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
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girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.