Finally a use for spoilers…
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OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
he chose this
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?