Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.