Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
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*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.