I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people