“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Bike for sale
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry