Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
fly smarter, not harder
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Check out the legs on this baby
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!