a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry