I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
This squirrel eats better than I do
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
These aren’t even hard anymore.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery