My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life