Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Cake safety first. Always.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Jogging
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.