My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
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It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
me and who
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
my first dose meeting my second
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.