Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
They’re on their honeymoon
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
he’s doing your taxes
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
LMAO