*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Traveler’s camo
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Netflix and you sit over there.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.