Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.