Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
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If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
The booster protects against what, now?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?