If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
You Might Also Like
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.