If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
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I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
TRAIN’S HERE
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy