Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
She puts the hot in psychotic
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them