Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
This story is comedy gold 😂