Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
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Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
notice
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known