Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
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Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Not recommended for beginners.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?