Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
He’s dead
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.