Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
You Might Also Like
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.