For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
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When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*