The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
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Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
This kid is going places
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
This classic never gets old . . .
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*