Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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For those that worship cheese..
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
adam and eve had first world problems
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit