is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
can’t catch a break
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist