What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.