Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
me and my fake scenarios
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.