[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.