If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.