I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face