“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
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Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”