American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
This rocks
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
who wore it better?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
how to have fun when you’re poor
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Sorry not sorry.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza