The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone