Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
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Lmbo
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.