thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store