Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
me linking you to my twitter
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Happy birthday to all the women
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.