I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
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Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
everyone has that one prude friend
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
his wife is probably gonna see that
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly