Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
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Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable