Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.