If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Squirrels before girls.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Somebody call the cops.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.