Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.